Have You Ever Thought, “I’m Done Being Nice”?

A while back, I wrote about the invisible tax of being too nice, and wondered whether we need a bit more attitude to survive adulthood.

Lately, I’ve caught myself thinking something I never imagined I’d say.

I’m done being nice.

It wasn’t one big incident. It was lots of little ones.

A Simple “Good Morning” that Revealed Something

For years, I thought being polite, approachable and easy to work with would naturally earn respect. Maybe not immediately, but eventually.

But I’m not so sure anymore.

One thing I started noticing was the greetings. For the last few years, I’d make a point of saying good morning to the receptionist and the admin ladies every morning.

Sometimes they’d answer, sometimes they wouldn’t. Like sometimes I exist, sometimes I don’t. It wasn’t enough to upset me though.

But after a while, I started noticing how they acted like the warmest people on earth every time someone from senior management walked by. Like they greet them even before the senior management see them.

Eventually, I couldn’t help feeling a little bitter.

We all tend to act a little warmer around “important” people. That’s probably human. But selectively returning greetings feels like something else entirely.

Therefore I quietly stopped being the one who always said it first to the receptionist.

Passed Over for Promotion is Like a Wake-up Call

If the greetings planted a question, the indefinite wait for my promotion watered it.

After spending months waiting for a promotion that never arrived, I’m not just disappointed. It put things into perspective.

I realised I’d spent years trying to be someone who was easy to work with (besides greeting the admin ladies).

I tried to be cooperative, avoided unnecessary conflict. I always aimed to get things done, even if it meant taking an extra step for other people.

Yet none of that seemed to affect how seriously I was viewed. Many people in the workplace respond more to status than to someone who’s simply agreeable but never seems to move up.

It wasn’t obvious to me. But eventually it feels like the dots are connected.

So It’s Actually a Loser Against the World Scenario, Isn’t It?

So you are passed over for your promotion and that justifies you stop being nice, right?

Well. Not exactly.

What frustrated me wasn’t just missing the promotion. It was realising I’d quietly built my own theory of adulthood around it –

I believed that if I stayed cooperative, polite and reliable for long enough, people would naturally see my value.

Looking back now, I don’t know whether that belief was naive or simply unrealistic.

Just No More “Free Gifts”!

You have to admit there are always people who see the easiness of others as something to exploit.

I still treat people well as long as they’re fair. But I no longer give my kindness away like free gifts, and I no longer believe kindness can melt consistent coldness.

And interestingly, the receptionist started saying good morning to me after I stopped. Nothing else really changed between us. I just stopped actively smiling and saying good morning to her first, and a few days later she started saying it to me.

It’s like I somehow earned a little respect just by putting up an attitude.

So Acting Cold is the Winning Formula, Right?

Well, not necessarily.

I still return every greeting I receive. I’m still cooperative at work as long as both sides put in the effort.

What I’m really experimenting with is setting boundaries for my kindness – a way to deal with unfairness. I might still be the nice one first, but it should always be a two-way street.

If someone doesn’t return your kindness the first or second time, they won’t suddenly return it after the tenth time. The same also applies to fake peace in a friendship.

Done Being Nice, Rightfully So

I used to believe adulthood rewarded people who were consistently nice. Being nice is not necessarily a weakness.

But sadly, many people might take it as one.

So, now I think adulthood rewards many other things. Confidence. Visibility. Influence.

By not offering kindness automatically, you might actually gain a certain kind of confidence or visibility – When it actually takes effort to earn your kindness, people might start taking it, or taking you, more seriously.

So yea, I’m done being nice. But not to everyone – only the ones who exploit it.